Constructive Summer

The smell of fresh-cut grass, the mournful whine of police sirens racing after football players fleeing a bar brawl, and the fragrant aroma of mold being blasted out of a long-unused cooler combined with vomit from two-a-days. Football season is near, and there's nowhere to hide from it.

The House Rock Built has had a very constructive summer vacation from blogging. Needless to say, we were all in the need for a little bit of a breather after a soul-crushing year of pigskin in 2007, and The House was no exception. Between growing some mutton chops, recording some tunes, and blasting off to Hong Kong and Thailand for a few weeks to soul-search/feed tigers/father a child with a local/lose hundreds of dollars playing Sic-Bo, the batteries are just about fully recharged. We're locked and loaded for 2008, come hell or high water.

In addition to being back in business, The House Rock Built made some off-season deals that will, with any luck, increase the quality and quantity of content for you to gobble up. In a landmark deal, The House has acquired the services of The Kid from Fire Mark May, a hard-throwing righty whose rise from blogosphere neophyte to award-winning cult icon in a mere year of blogging captured the imagination of a nation. Needless to say, it wasn't cheap, as I had to ship Trev Alberts a carton of Newports, a conditional sixth round draft pick, and release the bodies of three of his recently-killed soldiers. As you'd expect, the exchange took place, like nearly all nefarious dealings do, on a runway of an abandoned airport in The Gambia.

The first known picture of The Kid.

The Kid will be blogging here under the moniker "irishoutsider", so you can probably expect the amount of zany, off-the-wall goofiness to roughly double, depending on work levels and alcohol intake. Cultivating hobbies and relationships are fine and dandy eight months out of the year, but once training camp comes, it's time to kick both to the curb, strap on your beer funnel helmet, and dive feet-first into the churning chumbucket that is the 2008 college football season. Gentlemen, start your engines.

-fightinamish

Rumors of the House Rock Built's Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (Again)

Knowing how sensitive and caring my readershp is, I'm sure everyone out there has been placing bets on what horrible fate has become your beloved editor in the month or so that he has disappeared from the face of the earth. Naturally, I'm sure "Gored by Wild Boar" and "Knifed in Back Alley by Jilted Lover" hit the post as even-money favorites, but everyone who didn't have "Frozen in Carbonite by Debt Collectors" can go ahead and rip up your race tickets, and thanks for playing.

So rest easy, I'm still very much alive and starting to get mobilized for the upcoming football season. Aside from a few new yet-to-be-Anagramaticusized recruits and a non-surgery, not a whole lot of interesting stuff has happened under the golden dome in these dog days of summer. As a result, the House Rock Built has been shifting attentions toward baseball, binge drinking, and the bevy of comely young maidens that emerge in Chicago once miniskirt weather hits. Additionally, I've penned two articles for upcoming Maple Street publications, so there will be some of my quasi-drunken musings in Here Come the Irish 2007 and my laugh-a-minute preview of the 07 Irish in the Michigan annual, Hail to the Victors 2007. Those should become available sometime in the next month or so.

So anyway, the House will be off to sunny Arizona for the holiday weekend and, shortly thereafter, will begin regular(ish) posting, slowly building in momentum until the fever pitch of preseason pandemonium of August, so plan your web surfing accordingly (and tell your friends). So, that's what's up in the House Rock Built's world. What have you been doing to deal with football withdrawl?

Oh, and if you're aching for some hijinks, I farked up a few pictures for Orson this morning, which you can check out here. I was more than a little embarassed to learn that former NYPD Blue semi-hottie Kim Delaney is not the commissioner of the Big 10, but rather eponymous sound-alike Jim Delaney. I think I'm going to have to go back and edit a few old posts that probably sounded really, really, really ignorant. Mea Culpa.

Lord Gamblor Giveth, and Lord Gamblor Taketh Away

Those of you keeping score at home are probably wondering if the House Rock Built is still alive, after a disastrous gambling incident resulting in not one, not two, but six fucking slaps being dealt upon your beloved fightinamish. Fire Mark May has the blow-by-blow, and the official video of the street justice that ensued. Everybody under 17 years old, please leave the room. This video is not for innocent eyes.

What did the five fingers say to the face?

It's Time to Get Our Gamble On

As we pack up the Truckster Family Road Queen for tomorrow's pilgrimage to South Bend for the spring game, we're throwing up one last post here to go on the record. While the spring game is a life-saving offseason fix for football junkies who are struggling through this long stretch of forced pigskin celibacy, it's ultimately a glorified practice. It's difficult to get too worked up about a split-squad scrimmage with red-jerseyed quarterbacks, at least not to the typical level of bloodlust that we're used to on an average trip to Notre Dame stadium. Fortunately, the good lord has blessed us with two invaluable tools to spice up the action this weekend: booze and gambling.

With the booze already handily taken care of, the Irish Outsider and myself have conferred in our hollowed-out volcano lair this week and come up with seven wagers on the Blue Gold game that will be sure to keep us locked in on the action on the field. What are the stakes, you ask? It's not money, since that's no real motivator (hell, the Irish Outsider drives around on a solid-gold Segway encrusted with Condor eggs). No, my friends, we are making the ultimate bet:

Remember, no rings.

That's right, slap bet. Seven wagers, the net difference in victories will be doled out in slaps to the losing party (e.g., were I to win 5 and lose 2 bets, I would dish out three slaps on IO's mug). Let's have a look at the bets. The lines were set by chief gambling correspondent Free Money Dave.

• FInal Score: Blue -6.5. I'm taking the blue squad and giving 6.5 points. It's an interesting bet, because while Blue has the first team offense, they will be going up against the first team defense on the Gold squad.
  
  HRB's Pick: Blue -6.5
  
  
• Over/Under: 41.5. Irish Outsider picked the Under, which seems to be a pretty wise decision. With the running clock and inexperienced quarterbacks, I'd be stunned if this one went over 41.5 points.


HRB's Pick: Over


• Quarterback Passing Yards, Clausen vs. Sharpley. Clausen -35. I've got Clausen, giving 35 yards. With four quarterbacks alternating series and a threadbare set of receivers, it will be interesting to see if any one quarterback is able to rack up a large amount of passing yards. However, if anybody's going to do it, I feel pretty good with taking Clausen.
  
  HRB's Pick: Clausen -35
  
  
• Rushing Yards, Aldridge vs. Thomas. Thomas -15. Travis Thomas was the MVP of last year's spring game, running roughshod over the defense, including an 80 yard scamper. After spending a year on defense, he's ready to jump back into his old role at running back. IO picked Thomas and gave 15 yards. If James Aldridge can keep up with Thomas, I will be very impressed.
  
  HRB's Pick: Aldridge +15
  
  
• Over/Under on Total Turnovers: 2.5. Another tricky one. There's no blitzing allowed and the QB's will be protected with red jerseys, so there won't be too many hurried, mistake-prone throws. Nevertheless, with the O-Line playing ironman football with no subs, there's going to be a lot of pressure on the backs that could result in some fumbles. Throw in four inexperienced quarterbacks, and I'm thinking we're going over.
  
  HRB's Pick: Over
  
  
• Jersey Number of Game MVP, Odd or Even. A clever one. The IO picked odds, which gives him three of the quarterbacks (Clausen, Jones, Sharpley), the top four receivers (Grimes, West, Hord, and Gallup), and some other big contrubitors (Armando Allen, Zbikowski, and kicker Ryan Burkhart). My evens include QB Zach Frazer, the top two RB's (Thomas and Aldridge), and much of the starting defense.
  
  HRB's Pick: Even
  
  
• Over/Under for Gametime Temperature: 68.5. I took the under, and that feels like free money to me. If the last 8 spring games have taught me nothing, it's that you should always expect cold weather. The weather.com forecaset says 68 and sunny, but I've been burned by optimistic spring forecast in the Midwest too many times. I'm taking a jacket and this bet to the bank.
  
  HRB's Pick: Under

The House Rock Built Remains on Vacation

Sorry to run off without any warning... things have been pretty busy in the midst of celebrating St. Patrick's Month. This week is the House Rock Built's annual Vegas trip, with guaranteed hilarity to ensue, and next week the House will be hitting the road in east Texas for a week or so. Suffice to say, things will remain quiet around here until after all of that, at which point we will be in full swing for spring practice and have much more entertaining information to pass along.

When the House does come back, we'll be updating on spring practice, planning out our Blue-Gold game festivities (details are still forthcoming, but all readers can expect an open invitation to the HRB tailgate), and checking in with Dink & Dunk. For now, enjoy the hoops tournament and the sunshine and laugh at the fact that, at this very moment, I'm probably in the Nevada desert burying a hooker.

The House Rock Built's 2007 Offseason Prop Bet

Greetings, readers! Hopefully, you're shaking off your Super Bowl hangovers today as we officially begin the football offseason. While we have a few entertaining moments out on the horizon, like the crazy circus that is the mad dash to National Signing Day on Wednesday and preparations for your tailgate party for the Spring Game (Notre Dame's spring scrimmage is on April 21st, mark your calendars now), we're looking at, for the most part, a long, dreary, footballless existence for the next six months. Sigh.

However, this Super Bowl awoke me to a great way to pass time for football fans desperate for entertainment: the magic of prop bets. After cleaning up on taking the "under" on Billy Joel's National Anthem performance (he came in ten seconds under the line at 1:44) and subsequently losing my shirt on the coin flip (tails never fails my ass), there's nothing like a little gambling to help pass the time. While you might not find this prop bet on an online sportsbook like Bodog yet, I'm sure you can find somebody who can put you down for this killer action:

What Day Will Mike Bellotti's Mustache Return? After propelling his Oregon Ducks to some halcyon days in the early 00's with his dignified 70's stache, Bellotti mysteriously shaved off his dustbuster and opted for the clean-shaven look. Just like that, the Ducks were shut out of a BCS bowl in '05 and suffered a humiliating loss in their undignified second-tier bowl, then proceeded to drop their last four games of '06, including a brutal bloodletting by BYU in Las Vegas while bedecked in state-of-the-art helmetry. Needless to say, the mojo needs to come back, and soon. And what better way than for Bellotti to ressurrect his trademark mustache? HRB's Pick: August 29th.

Any other suggestions, dear readers? Leave them in the comments.

The House Rock Built Won its Wager... Just Barely

While most of you were lazily flipping around through bowl games on New Years Day, sleeping off your hangover and idly watching some postseason exhibitions, the House Rock Built was riveted to his seat and glued to the Capital One Bowl. You see, I may have shot off my mouth a little bit in my preseason blogpoll roundtable, and ended up promising to photgraph myself in Razorbacks boxers if the Hogs ended the sesason at or above Phil Steele's ridiculous preseason ranking of #13. Well, my last shot came in bowl week, when an scrappy underdog Wisconsin Badgers held off the Hogs in an excruciatingly long defensive slugfest, 17-14.

Lucky me, the 'Backs finished the year ranked #15 and #16, narrowly avoiding massive embarassment on my part. So, my fortunate readers, you will not be subjected to a picture of me in Razorbacks underwear, you lucky bastards. However, if you were really excited about seeing a picture of somebody wearing Hogs boxers, well, here's Scarlett Johannsen.

Don't thank me for the eye candy, thank Bret Bielema

Partial Nudity Delayed, Millions Rejoice

Last week I asked my loyal readers to ajudicate and come to a ruling on a braggadocious bet I made in the preseason. The polls are closed and the people have spoken. By a margin of 22-5, it has been decided that final rankings are not calculated until after bowl season. Ergo, you will not see a picture of me in Razorbacks boxers unless the Hogs beat Wisconsin in their bowl game and end the season in the top 13.

Bucky Badger, you are my last hope. Judging by how Wisconsin has fared against teams not named Buffalo or San Diego State, morale is at an all-time low at the House Rock Built

No! Put down the basketball! Football, man. Football. This is hopeless.

The House Rock Built is Appealing for a Ruling

Allright, readers, I need your help to provide a ruling on the field. So in August I hosted the preseason blogpoll roundtable, and came out guns blazing against people who overrated Arkansas. Read:

Personally, I think that all of these people who voted Arkansas high in the poll (two people put them as high as 13!) are suckers that fell for a big joke that Phil Steele has played on the world. All of you overeducated dorks who bought and have ingested every word of Phil Steele's 2006 college football guide (hey, I'm guilty too) saw that Steele put the Hogs at #13 in his preseason poll, which I am convinced is either a typo or a prank to see how many bloggers he can fool.**

And if you followed the double-asterisk down to the bottom of the post, you would see this additional verbiage tacked on:

** Uh, since I've gone on record saying that, I suppose I should take some accountability. I propose that if the Hogs end up ranked 13 or higher at the end of the season, I will post a picture of myself painted red wearing nothing but Razorbacks boxers.

Wager made, verbal contract enforceable, yadda yadda yadda. The problem is, however, that I was a little bit ambiguous in my choice of words. Does "end of the season" mean "end of the regular season"? In that case I have already lost the bet, woe is me. Or do I still have a chance to win the bet if the Hogs should fall in their bowl game? In the interest of fair play, I'm turning it over to the readers to decide. Cast your vote in the comments. In one week, I will comply with the majority. Just remember to vote in accordance to your interpretation of the Constitution, not out of some personal desire to see my somewhat-spoon-chested body on the internet.

UPDATE: So far, "after the bowl" is leading 18-5. Go Badgers. For the love of God, go Badgers.

Blogpoll Preliminary Ballot: How Am I Supposed to Know When You're High? Edition

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	--
2	Florida	2
3	Michigan	1
4	Southern Cal	1
5	Tennessee	3
6	Louisville	--
7	Notre Dame	2
8	Auburn	5
9	California	4
10	Georgia Tech	2
11	Oregon	4
12	Texas	8
13	Arkansas	13
14	Boise State	4
15	West Virginia	4
16	Georgia	5
17	Missouri	4
18	Iowa	--
19	LSU	5
20	Nebraska	6
21	Clemson	4
22	Rutgers	--
23	Navy	--
24	UCLA	2
25	Virginia Tech	1
Dropped Out: Oklahoma (#15), Boston College (#16), Washington (#24), Wake Forest (#25).

Blogpoll week 6 is up, for entertainment purposes only.

Lots of moving and shaking. God help me, I might just not win Mr. Bold this week, since a lot of my rankings have come to terms with the commonly accepted wisdom after an important day of football games that helped a lot of teams prove where they belong. The highlights and apologism:

• Welcome to number 2, Gators. An impressive sequence of wins catapults the Gators to the penultimate spot. This is a reward for their performance so far, but the conventional wisdom at the House Rock Built suggests that it's a temporary honor. Looking ahead to the Gators' schedule, I would be stunned as hell if they can live through the crux of their SEC schedule unscathed, particularly when it's back-to-back-to-back. Granted, I'll be the first to bow down and praise the great Robot Genius Urban Bowden Meyer and his infinitely wise slap-on-the-wrist suspensions for substance abuse should they run the gamut undefeated, but I'm guessing I'll be availed of that duty sometime in the next few weeks.
  
  Seriously, though. Talk about coaching acumen. To observe a situation where a it's useful to have a star defensive tackle back in your lineup and to have the gumption to revoke his marijuana suspension is a moment of profound coaching clarity up there with Knute Rockne's invention of the forward pass and the "Win One for the Gipper" speech. Kudos to Coach Fulmer Meyer for shattering coaching conventions in the name of the success on the field.
  
  
  Big game tomorrow? Then allow me to roll that big-assed blunt!



• Texas joins the relatively elite! Stop the presses, everyone! Texas beat a Division 1A football team! I know it's a stunning twist of fate... and after a few rounds with the defibrulator, I elected to bump them up several spots in the rankings.
  
  
  Now that Oklahoma has been dispatched, you're up next, Mid City Pee Wee. Prepare to meet your death at the hands of the Longhorn killing machine.



• All hail Arkansas! A staggering leap in the polls after knocking around Auburn. Am I sweating my ass off about my preseason wager about Arkansas' performance? Yes. A little bit so, yes. I still have faith, but seeing them actually play like a football team made me think about going on a crash diet before the end of the season. For your sake and all.
  
  
  Please make it not so.

So there it is. Again, I have until Wednesday to finalize my ballot. See any egregious errors? Make yourself heard in the comments. I actually made several serious adjustments last week after my wise readers pointed out my drunken idiocy on some of my picks. Let me reiterate: your opinion counts. I'm here to serve.

Friday Night Lites - Purdue and Andy French!

We farm out our labor overseas and have Brian from mgoblog break down Purdue for us. The verdict: they're not terribly good. We also have a phenomenal entry for the Andy French cup during the closing song. You will love it. While Valenti stole a lot of the Andy French thunder, there are some quality home-grown breakdowns that are worth checking out.

Today's highlights:

• I curse Brian and his team for eternity.
• I play a clip I recorded seconds after the conclusion of the game. It's hard to understand, but that's me and my section (including known blogger Sean from Kelly Green declaring that "There is a God!"
• I'm a degenerate who gambles on high school sports. That asswipe kicker from Oaks Christian cost me $500 on my OCHS (-31) teaser.
• The end of the podcast is recorded after I got quite drunk while watching and liveblogging the OCHS-Venice tilt over at the Fanhouse. (Quarters 3 and 4 are here).
• No lightning round, Brian has already done it (and stunk it up).

Here's your first Andy French Cup entry:

John L. Smith Deserves a Shitkicking
Submitted By:	An anonymous Spartan fan with a suburban Chicago area code.
Target:	John L. Smith
Alcohol Ingested:	It's an angry drunk, so I'm guessing cheap beer. Since it doesn't sound like our caller was concussed, I'm guessing he was drinking from a can, which is much safer to smash against your forehead in horrified disgust than a bottle.
Reason For Call:	Hilariously awful meltdown. Decades of pent-up aggression from seing Michigan State do this over and over and over.
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And here's your prodcast. Prost!


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